Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Sorry my hands just texted you
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
