I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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