Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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