If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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