I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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