I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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