you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
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I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
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He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
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