i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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