The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
