I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
