I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
