If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
