Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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