I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
