I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
