you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
