i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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