you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
