She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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