the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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