You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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