I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
