she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
