you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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