I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just invented taco cereal.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
