she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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