I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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