we have pet lesbian snakes
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
