mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
