Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
