I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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