I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
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