redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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