Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
