She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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