I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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