New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
