And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
