just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
