I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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