If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I deserve this hangover.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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