well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
