i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
