People in love make me want to vomit
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
