thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
