His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
