I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
