i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
