apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
