I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
