we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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