I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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