I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
