dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
