yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Be still, my beating vagina.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
