Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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