You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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