had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize