i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
