i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
